Matchmaker vs Dating Coach vs Therapist: Which One Helps You Find a Partner?

A matchmaker changes who you meet. A dating coach changes how you date. A therapist works on why it hurts, or why the same thing keeps happening. If you’re not meeting anyone worth a second date, you need a matchmaker. If you meet people and it stalls, you need a coach. If something painful is running your choices, see a licensed therapist first. And if it’s both who you meet and how you date, you want a matchmaker who also coaches, which is how I work.

I’m Julie Ferman, a matchmaker and dating coach in Los Angeles, Denver and Santa Fe, and I’m not a therapist. I’ve been on the client’s side of two of these. In 1990, single and 29, I hired a dating coach; he helped set me straight and helped me understand my blind spots. Then I paid a dating service $1,450 I didn’t have, and I married the man who ran it. I’ve run my own practice since 2001 and I’m credited with more than 1,600 couples.

If you’re in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. It’s free, confidential and open 24 hours a day. That comes before any dating question.

Matchmaker vs Dating Coach vs Therapist: The Short Answer

• You’re not meeting people who fit you: a matchmaker.
• You meet people, but it fizzles by the second or third date: a dating coach.
• Grief, anxiety, trauma, or a pattern that keeps hurting you: a licensed therapist first.
• You’re short on time and not sure of your dating skills either: a matchmaker who also coaches, such as Julie Ferman.

Only one of the three introduces you to people, and only one of them, the therapist, is a licensed clinician. They aren’t rivals, either: plenty of people use two of them, in the right order.

Matchmaker vs Dating Coach vs Therapist at a Glance

What Each One Actually Does

What a Matchmaker Does, and Doesn’t

A matchmaker takes the search off your hands. With me, it starts with a 60-minute strategy session, and before it I run a search of my database, so we look at real candidates together and set your preferences and key criteria. Then I search for you, in my own community and beyond it. I always go to the man first, and only when he’s a yes do I take him to her. Both people see photos and a detailed profile, and both say yes before a date is set. Within 24 hours of every date I hear back from both of you and use it to choose the next introduction.

What a matchmaker can’t do is date for you. Some clients think I just have to magically produce the perfect partner. But even if I pull that rabbit out of the hat, if the way they’re engaging and behaving isn’t done with intentionality, they’re probably going to mess it up. And nobody honest can guarantee you a relationship.

What a Dating Coach Does, and Doesn’t

A dating coach works on you rather than on your pipeline: your photos and profile, where you look and how you open a conversation, what you reveal early, and why you keep saying yes to the wrong people and no to the right ones. The nature of blind spots is that we can’t see our own. That’s the opportunity in working with a coach: you get a chance to look squarely at your love life and pick it apart a little bit.

My 30-Day Boot Camp, Camp Cupid’s Coach, is one version of it: weekly 90-minute video modules, group office hours twice a week on Zoom, and two one-on-one sessions with me, with men and women of all ages in the same group. It’s the course I wish all of my matchmaking clients would take before they come to me.

What a coach can’t do is supply people, unless, like me, she’s a matchmaker too. And a coach isn’t a clinician. Diagnosing or treating anxiety, depression or trauma is licensed work.

What a Therapist Does, and Doesn’t

A therapist treats what’s underneath. The National Institute of Mental Health describes psychotherapy as treatment that helps people identify and change troubling emotions, thoughts and behaviors, usually with a licensed professional. California law defines marriage and family therapy as assessing and treating relational issues and emotional disorders, among other things.

My husband and I have worked with a couples therapist ourselves, who gave me a beautiful question to offer him: “Given who I am, given who you know me to be. Who can I be for you?” What a therapist won’t do is introduce you to anyone, or tell you which restaurant to pick for a first date.

Which One Do You Need? A Five-Question Check

Go in order, and stop at the first yes.

1. Is something painful making daily life hard? A loss or a separation that still feels raw, anxiety or depression, trauma, or staying with partners who hurt you. See a licensed therapist first, and add a coach once dating feels like something you want rather than something you’re bracing for.
2. Do you rarely meet anyone you’d want a second date with? That’s a supply problem, and it’s what a matchmaker is for.
3. Do you meet people, but it stalls by the second or third date, or are you rusty after a long marriage? That’s a skills problem. See a dating coach, one-on-one or in a boot camp.
4. Do you keep choosing the same wrong type? A coach can help you screen and hold your boundaries. If the pattern feels tied to old pain, add a therapist; the two can run side by side.
5. Are you short on time and unsure of your dating skills? Then you want a matchmaker who also coaches. That’s how I work, and a strategy session is where to start.

When to See a Therapist Instead

A good coach, and a good matchmaker, will tell you when it’s not dating help you need. The International Coaching Federation’s code of ethics asks coaches to suggest a different professional or resource when coaching stops being the right fit. Evan Marc Katz, who coaches smart, strong, successful women, drew the same line on my podcast.

There’s the limitations of matchmaking, the limitations of dating coaching. If someone has childhood trauma and can’t receive love, that’s a greater ball of wax.

Evan Marc Katz, dating coach, on Julie’s Cupid’s Coach podcast

Three signs worth taking seriously: you can’t talk about your ex, or your late spouse, without it taking over the conversation; every relationship ends the same way, and you can feel it coming; dating makes you anxious enough that you cancel, freeze or numb out. None of that disqualifies you from love. It means the first appointment should be with someone licensed to help with it. Sometimes the order runs the other way, and the therapist is the one who sends you to the matchmaker.

It was my therapist who initially suggested that I contact Julie, so I have them both to thank for bringing Brad into my life.

Claire, a matchmaking client of Julie’s

Who Is Licensed, and Who Isn’t

• Therapists. Every state requires marriage and family therapists to be licensed, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. In California, a marriage and family therapist needs a qualifying master’s or doctoral degree, at least 3,000 hours of supervised experience over at least 104 weeks, and two exams. A psychologist needs a doctorate.
• Dating coaches. Colorado’s licensing agency says a life coach doesn’t need a license, as long as the coach isn’t practicing psychotherapy or another licensed mental health profession. New Mexico’s licensing agency says coaches aren’t required to hold a license either. Credentials are voluntary: the International Coaching Federation’s entry-level credential asks for 60 hours of coach training and 100 hours of coaching.
• Matchmakers. What California and Colorado regulate is the contract. In California, a dating-service contract must be in writing, can be cancelled until midnight of the third business day after signing, with the refund due within 10 days, and payments can’t run longer than two years (California Civil Code sections 1694 to 1694.4). Colorado’s rules are similar.

To check a therapist, look the license up with the state board: in California through the Department of Consumer Affairs license search, in Colorado through the state license lookup, and in New Mexico through its Regulation and Licensing Department. None of this is legal advice; read your own contract.

What Each One Costs, and What Insurance Pays

A therapist typically charges $100 to $200 a session paying cash, according to Psychology Today. Insurance changes the math. Every Marketplace plan covers mental health care, including psychotherapy, and Medicare Part B covers outpatient therapy, with you paying 20% after the deductible. In a study in Health Affairs using 2017 claims, insured patients paid about $21 a visit in network and about $60 out of network.

A dating coach sets his or her own prices, and coaching generally isn’t covered by insurance, because it isn’t a clinical service. Mine: a 60-minute strategy session by phone or Zoom is $295, and the 30-Day Boot Camp is $4,700.

A matchmaker is paid privately. ConsumerAffairs estimates $5,000 to $50,000 a year for a set number of introductions. Among the firms that publish their prices, entry points run from $3,500 to $75,000, and I compare them in the best matchmaking services in the U.S. My registration is free, and my personal matchmaking is $25,000+, by invitation after a strategy session. What the money buys, and what it never buys, is in how much a matchmaker costs.

Can You Use More Than One?

Yes, and the order matters more than the choice. I have to really feel I can do a great job for a client before I take on a search, and when I don’t, I’ll say, you know what, do boot camp first and then we’ll see. Karen McMahon, a divorce coach, told me on my podcast that she doesn’t coach her clients around dating at all; when they’re ready, she usually pivots them to someone like me.

I always like to say therapy saved my life, but it didn’t necessarily change my life.

Katherine Woodward Thomas, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Calling in the One, on Julie’s Cupid’s Coach podcast

• Hurting? Therapy first. Understanding where a pattern comes from is the therapist’s work; changing how you date is the coach’s.
• Skills are the gap? Coach, then matchmaker. The introductions land better once your first dates do.
• Both are the gap? A matchmaker who coaches. You get the people and the feedback from one person who knows you.
• Tell each of them about the others. Your therapist should know you’re dating, and your coach should know you’re in therapy.

Group Boot Camp or One-on-One Coaching?

One-on-one coaching is private and built entirely around you, and it costs more per hour. A group program costs less, and you practice with other people and hear their feedback. What you give up is privacy.

My boot camp is a mix: group office hours twice a week on Zoom, video modules you do on your own time, and two one-on-one sessions with me. Men and women train together, and so far the ages in the room have run from 26 to 83. If you’re weighing it, here’s what the 30 days cover.

Alternatives to a Full-Service Matchmaker

If a full search isn’t right for you yet, you still have options.

• A single strategy session with a matchmaker, to get a straight read on your chances and a plan.
• Free registration in a matchmaker’s database, so you can be considered for her clients’ searches.
• A coaching program, then the apps, with better photos and better judgment.
• Hosted singles events and introductions through friends.

I compare all of those, and more, in the best alternatives to dating apps.

Divorced and Dating Again?

Readiness comes first, and the divorce coach Karen McMahon put it better than I can.

The worst thing that we could do is go with our wounds and our neediness out into the pool of dating because what you will attract, I can promise you, is the same man or woman with a different face.

Karen McMahon, divorce coach, on Julie’s Cupid’s Coach podcast

If the divorce still feels raw, that’s therapy territory. If you’re ready but rusty, a coach will save you a lot of trial and error, and a matchmaker makes sense once you know what you’re looking for now, which often isn’t what you wanted at 25. If you’re over 50, you’re also looking in a thinner app market: in a 2022 Pew Research Center survey, 3% of adults 50 and older had used a dating site or app in the past year, compared with 15% of adults under 50. More on this stage in dating after divorce.

Where Julie Ferman Fits

I’m a matchmaker and a dating coach, not a therapist, and I don’t treat anyone. The introductions are half of what I do; I think the coaching and the guidance along the way matter even more. Here’s what I offer:

• Free private registration, which makes you eligible to be considered for my clients’ searches and invited to my events.
• A 60-minute strategy session for $295, where I’ll tell you straight whether you need introductions, coaching, or both.
• The 30-Day Boot Camp for $4,700, for coaching in a group, plus two one-on-one sessions with me.
• Personal matchmaking from $25,000, by invitation after the session, with coaching after every introduction.

FAQs About Matchmakers, Dating Coaches and Therapists

julieferman.com · Julie@JulieFerman.com · 805-371-9557