Embracing Uncertainty. The ultimate challenge in Dating.

Embracing Uncertainty. The ultimate challenge in Dating.

 

Dating – It’s a wild, complex adventure – You might be dating in Los Angeles, or dating in Santa Fe, New Mexico – my two hubs, where I work most of my matchmaking magic. You might be engaged with a dating agency, or maybe you’re stirring up magic for yourself at a local event for singles who are also looking to connect.

Dating is a process that’s essentially like trying on hats, different kinds of hats, to see what fits right now, at this time in life. How does this one feel? How do I look in this one? Which one is “me” – authentically ME? Can I BE me, the version of ME that I’m working toward in the company of this person? Maybe that person is a better fit. Try on lots of hats.

It’s a conundrum. The word Dating infers that we’re looking to GET somewhere. We’re out there, meeting people in an effort to … what? What’s the reason for having first dates, second dates, and ideally third dates with various candidates?  We’re looking to find the solution. We’re looking to arrive at the answer to the question, “Should I be coupled up? With what type of person? Should I do life solo for a while, perhaps for a long while? Am I meant to be partnered up? What’s my destiny? We want to resolve the tension that exists between Me and We. We crave resolution to the uncomfortableness that often exists in being alone, in living life solo.

How can we manage the uncertainty of not knowing what the future holds?

It’s simple, but it’s not always easy. Our tool? Our presence. To cultivate presence. To develop the discipline to continue practicing, refining, and becoming adept at being fully engaged in the Present Moment. In other words, date yourself. Practice bringing love to your very own self. In moment-by-moment fashion.

 

Today’s invitation is to embrace the art of living fully and purposefully during the space between relationships.

Life is a series of NOW moments. How are you doing right now?

In our noisy, demanding, fast-paced world, we can slip into overwhelm by the constant demands on our time and attention. The challenge and the opportunity for each of us is to fully embrace and wholeheartedly engage in the gift that is this present moment – it’s the key not only to living a fulfilling life today, but it’s also the key to achieving our goals for all of life. We’re cultivating a mindset that enables us to live in the “now,” but that also orients us around a balanced life that allows for personal growth, connection, and joy.

Here’s how to focus on the present moment and plan for a meaningful and well-lived life.

1.   Do Today Well

The present moment is where grace lies. Start by giving your full attention to the tasks and people who are right there in front of you. Today’s work assignments, the conversations you’ll be having, or in thoroughly savoring your next sip of coffee. Bringing awareness and practicing presence allows us to experience life fully. Approach each day with the purposeful intention to do it well, prioritizing what matters most and letting go of distractions, annoyances, and imperfections.  

2. Do This Week Well

Extend your focus beyond today to the week ahead. Set achievable goals that align with your values and intentions. What projects will you complete this week? Who will you spend time with? Who will you reach out to, to initiate a lunch date? Who will you call, to check in on? In what ways will you care for your health? How will your weekly plans support your overall well-being and happiness?

3. Do This Month Well

Monthly planning allows you to take a broader view. What are the key events, tasks, or goals you want to focus on this month? Perhaps it’s a dance class you’ve considered jumping in on. Challenge yourself to plan a social gathering – YOU as the organizer, extending invitations to a bowling night, a cooking class, a simple gathering at a dog park with people you’d love to see. Stopping in on that jazz club for a set, all by yourself, noticing and holding eye contact with fellow music appreciators. Or scheduling an open Saturday afternoon for self-care. Plan monthly excursions or adventures that bring joy and new experiences into your life. Head out on the town alone or with a neighbor you’ve been curious about, to explore a new sushi bar. Sit quietly with your thoughts at the counter or exercise the courage to engage with whomever is there. Choose a Meet-Up event that presents a challenge for you or intentionally spend a day outdoors or with children – these adventures, large and small, refresh your mind and spirit, while brightening the day of those who get to be in your presence.

4. Plan Out the Year

Having a yearly plan gives you direction and purpose. Think about what you want to achieve and experience over the next 12 months. Break down your goals into manageable steps, ensuring they are realistic and attainable. Some goals might be in the work arena, some related to personal development, and some oriented around the cultivating of relationships. A clear vision for the year will guide your daily and weekly actions.

5. Seek Growth Opportunities. 

Growth is a continuous process, assured by participating in activities that challenge and expand your horizons. Incorporate yoga, walking, hiking, and meditation into your routine to foster physical and mental well-being. Dedicate time to reading and learning from coaches or guides who inspire you. Yet personal growth isn’t just about improving your life.

6. Contribute to Your Community

Living in the present also means being aware of the world around you. Look for opportunities to contribute and serve your community. Where can you volunteer your time, energy, or resources? Is there a local cause that inspires you? In what ways can you be there for a neighbor?  Acts of kindness and service enrich the lives of others and reinforce the goodness within us.

7. Embrace Imperfection

We humans are mistake-makers. We can dwell on our missteps or cut ourselves some slack. Let’s remember to use mistakes as learning opportunities. Ask yourself, “How can I do this better next time?” In the words of one of my mentors, Jim Cathcart, “How would the person I’d like to be do the thing I’m about to do?” This mindset fosters growth and helps us become the better and better version of ourselves that we’re aspiring toward. We are works in progress, as is each person we encounter in our dating journey. Can we cut those folks some slack too?

8. Cultivate Relationships

Relationships are a vital part of a fulfilling life. Schedule time with friends and family, doing activities you love. What is that for you? Is it a hike, a picnic, or carving out a few spacious hours to walk, find a park bench, and talk with someone who loves you and who needs you? These moments of connection are priceless and serve as the building blocks for the open-hearted relationship that I know is ahead for you. Practice now – purposefully building and nurturing relationships with the people you can engage with now, during this open space between romantic relationships. Who can you bring joy and support to now? Whose support can you allow into your life? Can you ask for support? Practice giving and receiving love NOW. Today. In what ways can you give and receive love and acceptance for yourself, today? What might that look like? Give yourself a hug right now. Nurture your relationship with yourself. Three deep breaths. Go ahead, take three more. You’ve got time for that. So do I.

9. Establish Routines That Serve You

Discipline is key to maintaining a balanced life. What routines can you establish that serve to promote health and well-being? Can you design and incorporate a diet that nourishes you? How can you design your days to include movement, exercise, rest, and staying hydrated? How can you support yourself with easy access to nutritious snacks and supplements? An orange, apple, or banana at your desk? Where in your day can you take little breaks? A walk, a nap? Routines create stability and ensure that we care for ourselves amidst the noise and clutter of our daily lives.

10. Engage in Hobbies and Passions

Spending time on hobbies and passions adds joy and fulfillment to our lives. What brings you joy? Is it gardening or hiking with your dog? Swimming? Riding your bike, whipping up a veggie stir-fry, or scheduling an open day with nothing you HAVE to do? How can you create time and space for these moments of NOW that truly bring you joy and relaxation and that offer a sense of accomplishment? For some of us a day of doing nothing is a great accomplishment.

11. Create Open Space in Your Life

Plan for open time and open space. What is our need for constant activity actually masking? Allow yourself time to simply be, reflect, and enjoy the present moment. Open space can mean unstructured time, a quiet walk in nature, or intentionally sitting in silence, feeling the sun’s warmth on your shoulders. It’s in these moments that we find clarity, peace, and grace.

Conclusion.  Focusing on the present moment is a powerful way to live meaningfully. By doing today well, by doing this week well, and by doing this month well, we are creating a foundation for a fulfilling future. Embrace the uncertainty that comes with the dating process. Look for and intentionally cause growth opportunities, connection with your deepest self, and with those who cross your path today, this week, and this month. Purposely and with intention, develop your capacity to be in balance, to create balance in your life, on purpose. Know and celebrate that every moment is an opportunity to live fully and authentically. Do it for yourself, with a wry smile, knowing that being fully present also serves as a clearing for those around you. People can’t help but notice. Something about you feels like home because you are at home.

 

 

Dating Myths BUSTED

Gathered together with me on Thu eve were Personal Matchmaking Clients from Southern California, Santa Fe NM, Dating Coaching Clients, and Dating Boot Camp Participants from all over the U.S. I LOVE interfacing with single men and single women of all ages together – for these edu-taining webinars packed with dating tips, dating advice, and laugh-out-loud stories from the archives of … your favorite Los Angeles matchmaker.

Be sure to register privately, for free with me, to receive these event invitations and to be eligible for personal matchmaking referrals. If you’re growth-oriented by nature, curious, and interested in learning and developing during the space between relationships – then you are “my people,” and I want to know you and engage with you. Register here: www.JulieFerman.com

What dating myths did we BUST together on Thursday eve? Consolidated dating tips, dating strategies, head-scratching communication, relationship issues, and AHA discoveries are here for you. 

WEBINAR RECORDING HERE

 

Big Cities Beat Small Towns For Dating. Size Matters. Dating myth #1 BUSTED. No, not THAT kind of size… The population size of the city where you are living and dating. The larger the city, the better the dating experience?  Nope. We destroyed that myth. I’ve orchestrated personal introductions for matchmaking clients in Los Angeles, Orange County, San Diego, San Francisco, St. Louis, Kansas City, and now also in the sweet, much smaller towns in New Mexico – Santa Fe, Los Alamos, Taos, Albuquerque, and Rio Rancho. And I’ve been paying attention.

The larger the dating pool, the poorer the statistics are. The “stick rate” – the percentage of introductions that made it to Date Number Three and those that evolved into lasting relationships through the personal matchmaking introductions I’ve provided in recent years? First dates are WILDLY more successful in the sweet, small town of Santa Fe, New Mexico

The culprit? The paradox of choice. When faced with too many options, we humans choose … nothing and no one. Here’s why. The larger the pool of potential candidates, the more likely we are to favor “the usual suspects” – the Wealthy, the Beautiful, the Tall, the Youthful – those folks getting so much attention that they choose no one, as their tendency is to hold out for the Bigger Better Deal. Why buy the cow when the milk is free? Seriously, folks, it’s tragic. Small Town Dating Beats Big City Dating. No contest.

Professor Scott Galloway (Marketing: NYU) explains why. “Whenever technology comes into an industry, it consolidates it. Dating has been consolidated in the worst way.

When people don’t get together and there’s no pheromones, and there’s no vibe, women try to make very quick assumptions about this individual’s ability to garner resources in the future. So, what you end up with is this concentration of interest, Porsche Polygamy, where 10% of the men get 90% of the attention, which does not lead to good behavior, and it’s not good for forming long-term relationships.

Online dating is disastrous for mating and for men. It’s terrible.” I think Professor Galloway is right.

In dating, men are CHEAP. Myth #2 BUSTED. That the word CHEAP should be in anyone’s vocabulary. It’s a bad word. If you have used this word in describing a man’s behavior in dating, it indicates that YOU are the one being “cheap” — in appreciation, gratitude and respect. If you’ve labeled a man as cheap, it shows me that you are focusing on qualities that might be lacking rather than those that might be present in abundance. Better to ask this question; “In what ways do I see this man being generous? What’s this guy’s Love Language?”

Case in point. Tamara complained about the average, unimpressive restaurant that Bill chose for their first date, inferring that he’s “cheap” – but you know what? He drove 90 minutes through Los Angeles traffic to meet her in her neighborhood. I see that he demonstrated enormous generosity, not to mention that he graciously picked up the tab. She was stingy in her ability to see and appreciate the gifts that he brought to her.

Wealthy men always date younger women. Myth #3 BUSTED. Not so in this matchmaker’s community. By design, on my matchmaking dating profiles, I won’t reveal his age, and I won’t reveal her age either; I insist on complete honesty and current, representative photos and the results are remarkable – hundreds and hundreds of loving, lasting partnerships among contemporaries I’ve successfully orchestrated since launching my Los Angeles matchmaking firm way back in 2002, without … revealing ages.

Far more critical to long-term compatibility in relationships? Shared values, shared passions, lifestyles in sync, vitality, and a shared commitment to courageous, compassionate communication.

Ditch the focus on digits, folks. It’s not working for anybody in our complex dating culture. I love it when a man who’s been out there dating for a while says to me, “I always date women who are 10-15 years younger”, to which I say, “So, how’s that been working for you, Pal?” I mean, he’s still out there dating…. Gentlemen, women outlive you by five years, on the average. Take a walk through any nursing home, and it’s crystal clear.

This one tycoon-type guy wanted to hire me to be his personal matchmaker. He was 76, a high-net-worth retired jet setter who describes himself as “kind, giving, loving, and compassionate” while unabashedly asking me to present only women in their fifties -15 to 20 years his junior. I couldn’t help it – I looked him right in the eye and asked him, “How KIND and COMPASSIONATE are you being when every woman you consider spending your life with would very likely end up alone, without a partner to love her, because her guy died a decade or two before she did?” I simply won’t work with “that guy” – and I invite my personal matchmaking colleagues to send him packing as well. And it’s bizarre, as he tells me that he needs me to avoid the gold-diggers, that he doesn’t want to be wanted for his money, but c’mon, Dude, why else would she make that monstrous sacrifice? It’s gross, guys. Cut it out.

Height Matters in Dating. Myth #4 BUSTED. Get off it, ladies. Tall guys get spoiled rotten with attention. Barbara has been struggling with dating. She’s 47, divorced, in Pasadena, and she’s 5’9” – She’s always filtered for height in her online dating practice, yet was unaware that the percentage of men in the highly-sought-after six-feet-or-taller category is just 14%. Couple that with this statistic, that among CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, 58% are over six feet – you can see the problem. Single women who favor men who are both tall and successful? No wonder they’re not coupling up. I challenged Barbara to target men who are 5’11”, and it made a difference. The following month, we focused on men who are 5’10”, and whoa… things changed. What do you think happened when she paid attention to the men who are 5’9” and then glory-be, even the never-tried-before 5’8” candidates? She said that her dating life has been transformed completely. She says, “Shorter guys try harder; it’s delightful. I wear heels whenever I want and the guys don’t care; Height is now way down low on my list of important criteria in making dating choices.” Hallelujah, Barbara !! Seriously, I can’t think of one marriage that made it or didn’t, based on how tall the guy is.

“He needs to out-earn me.” Myth #5 BUSTED, shattered to bits. This matchmaker would love to have a $20 bill for each time that statement has been uttered by a high-net-worth single woman dating out there, chasing after wealthy men in that tiny sliver of the eligible bachelor population. Commonly, a professional, high-quality single woman insists that he needs to be stronger than she is financially, “so I’ll respect him, and so he won’t be intimidated by my success.” In over 50,000 interviews with single men seeking life-long love, I’ve never heard from a single man that a woman’s professional success, income, or net worth is “intimidating” to him. Ladies, it’s how we’re BEING about our success, wealth, status, or accomplishments that turns men off. The missing ingredient? Again, it’s a lack of appreciation for who he IS, and the gifts he brings to a loving relationship. Alpha men aren’t asking me for Alpha women; The big, strong, masculine, provider-protector guy? He needs an energetic balance (and so do we!) The super strong, take-charge man? He’s looking for what he calls “a soft place to land at the end of the day” and what he is surely not asking me for is a woman who’s judgmental and critical; he needs honor, respect, admiration, and appreciation.

If you’d like to continue this discussion, wrestling with and resolving these pesky dating dilemmas, grab a spot in one of my upcoming 30-Day Virtual Boot Camp Classes. I coach men and women together, all ages, and the results are positively astounding. The requirement for participation? Curiosity and a growth-oriented mindset. With those two superpowers and one fantastic Personal Matchmaker / Dating Coach? All is possible. https://julieferman.com/services/