A Mitzvah Match is an introduction I make for free, simply because I see two people who should meet. Neither of them is paying me to search. About half of the introductions I make from my desk are Mitzvah Matches, most often for my former clients and for people who have done a $295 strategy session with me. I don’t promise them, but when I see the opportunity, I make one happen. In return, I ask everyone in my community to keep the Cupid’s Coach Code below.
I’m Julie Ferman, a matchmaker and dating coach since 1990, and I’m credited with more than 1,600 couples. I have high-level clients who hire me as their personal matchmaker, and I also run what I think of as the community service side of my company. I don’t want personal matchmaking reserved only for the people who can afford to hire a matchmaker.
Contents
The Cupid’s Coach Code
Five guidelines for everyone who wants introductions from me, whether we’re under contract or the introduction is a gift.
- Truth. Your profile with me is current, truthful and thoughtfully developed. I want as few surprises on the first date as possible, so your profile and your photos need to represent today’s version of you.
- Current photos. Face and full-length shots, ideally taken within the last year or two, flattering and true to who you are now. The more you have to offer, the more selective you’ll be, and the more your photos matter in getting that coveted Yes from the person I’d love to introduce you to.
- Responsive. Answer my emails and texts within a day or two. If I can’t find you, I’ll have to back-burner you, which makes me so sad.
- Kind. Be consistently respectful, warm and compassionate with me and with every person you meet here. I always get post-date feedback. This is my sandbox, and I’m careful about whom I invite in.
- Trustworthy. In my world, Yes means Yes. This is a ghost-free, no-flake zone. Once he’s a Yes and she’s a Yes, the introduction happens, every time: you meet in person or for a scheduled phone or video call, and then you tell me how it went.
For tips on getting great current photos, email me at Julie@JulieFerman.com, or read how I want your dating profile pictures to look.
What a Mitzvah Is, and Where the Name Comes From
A mitzvah, loosely interpreted, is a good deed. Frieda Ferman, Gil Ferman’s mother, gave me the word. She was in her late eighties, widowed after 56 years with Al, and she told me she was getting lonely on the weekends. Maybe she should get herself a boy toy. I begged her not to make me match her. She laughed and said that if I ever did find someone for her, it would be a mitzvah.
The Mitzvah Matches themselves began when so many of my matchmaking clients were sitting out the pandemic. I started introducing the people who did want to date: my former clients who happened to be single, and the people who’d done a consultation with me. It turned into the part of my work I love most. I explain it in two and a half minutes in my video What Is a Mitzvah Match?, and I talked it through with Carla Swiryn on episode 199 of my podcast.
Who Gets a Mitzvah Match
Anyone in my community can receive one. The first step is free: register privately with me, with a current profile and current photos, so I can find you. Most of my Mitzvah Matches go to people with a little skin in the game: my former clients, my coaching clients, and people who have done a $295 strategy session.
When I see two people who should meet, I take the time to run a search, I re-qualify the person I have in mind, and I pitch the match, always to the man first. When I get the mutual Yes, I either put the two of you in direct contact or set up the first date myself.
Mitzvah Match or Personal Matchmaking: The Difference
| Mitzvah Match | Personal matchmaking | |
|---|---|---|
| What it costs | Free | $25,000 to $40,000+, by invitation, depending on the complexity of the search |
| Who it’s for | People in my community, most often former clients and strategy session clients | One client, in a 4-, 6- or 12-month program |
| Is it promised? | No. I make one when I see two people who should meet | Yes. I run a dedicated search for you |
| After you both say yes | I put you in direct contact, or set up the date | I set up the date, make the reservation and hear back from you both |
How a paid search works, step by step, is in my personal matchmaking process.
Why I’m My Clients’ Advocate, Not Their Salesperson
In 1990 I was a single woman in St. Louis who had hired a dating coach to help me stop messing up my love life. One of his action steps sent me to a video dating agency, and three hours and $1,450 later I was a member. The agency’s owner was Gil Ferman, and that’s how I came into the dating industry. I worked there for seven or eight years, learning a type of dating service that is exactly the opposite of what I do now. I started my own company in Los Angeles in 2002, and I’ve been introducing couples every day since.
I feel like who I’ve become in this industry is the advocate for the consumer, because I was the consumer.
Julie Ferman, on Dr. Frankie’s Love, Laughs & Lessons Podcast
So most of the people who register with me, and most of the people who book a strategy session, I don’t encourage to hire me for a search. It has to be the right fit before I drop everything and put all my resources to work for one person. If my gut tells me a search won’t be fruitful, or that someone’s expectations aren’t in line with what I can provide, I’ll say “Don’t do it” and suggest another way to date.
When I pitch an introduction, I go to the man first. If he says he isn’t attracted, that’s as far as it goes. I don’t tell her that I took a hit for her that day. I take the hit. And after every date I want to know from him and from her how it FELT being together. Very often I can get that second or third date to happen because I find out the answers.
The Values of My Matchmaking Community
The people in my community share one value, love, and we practice it all along the dating journey.
- We keep our promises. Once two people have said Yes to a first date, we work together to set the time and place. We keep the date. We show up for each other.
- We give each other a loving chance. We look for what’s right and lovely in the other person, and when in doubt, we say Yes to a second meeting.
- We communicate with courage and compassion. In post-date feedback we share what we appreciated about the person, whether we want a second date or not. Most first dates are a single meeting, and every one of them is practice for the relationship that lasts.
- We part as friends. We’re warm when we say hello and when we say see you later, and we don’t burn our bridges.
As a cherished elder once told me, “We should always be nice to the people we date; we never know who their friends might be.”
To receive personal introduction referrals, make sure you’re privately registered with me, with a current profile and current photos. I can’t match you if I can’t find you. From free to VIP, I’m here to help.
FAQs About Mitzvah Matches
Do I have to be Jewish to receive a Mitzvah Match?
No. A mitzvah, loosely interpreted, is a good deed, and the name comes from Frieda Ferman. Mitzvah Matches aren’t a faith-based service. They’re open to anyone in my community who keeps the Cupid’s Coach Code.
What can I do if matchmaking agencies feel too sales-driven?
Walk away from pressure. The red flag I warn people about is the membership-driven agency: sign up today, it will be cheaper today. Ask for the price on the phone, and expect a consultation to be about you, not a contract. The purpose of my strategy session is not to sell you a matchmaking program. You can also register privately with a matchmaker for free, which makes you eligible for introductions without buying anything.
How do I find a matchmaker who will be my advocate?
Ask three questions. Does she screen every candidate herself? Does she ask the man first, so a woman never hears that a man said no? Does she get feedback from both people after every date? Those are the three things I do for everyone I introduce.
What happens if I don’t keep the Code?
If I can’t reach you, I back-burner you. If someone I introduced you to tells me you flaked or ghosted, you stop being eligible for my introductions. My community only works when Yes means Yes.
julieferman.com · Julie@JulieFerman.com · 805-371-9557
