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The Short Answer, From a Matchmaker
Do guys want sex before a relationship? Many do — and it isn’t a character flaw; it’s wiring. Women more often want a monogamous commitment before heading to the bedroom. After three decades of matchmaking, here’s what I know for sure: the couples who last aren’t the ones who followed somebody’s rule about timing — they’re the ones who talked about exclusivity out loud before the clothes came off. Here’s how to navigate this question without losing the guy, or yourself.
Why Do Guys Want Sex Early in a Relationship?
This question is as befuddling to today’s modern day daters as the one about the chicken and the egg. Women tend to feel compelled to want a monogamous commitment before heading to the bedroom, and men tend to be ready earlier – Men are more playful and relaxed about sex, and they can’t help it – it’s natural for guys to want to know how things will work out in the bedroom before making that commitment decision.
You’ll be happy to know that there is a solution to this age old, pesky question.
For women, sex is typically more than a fun physical act. Why? Oxytocin (the “love drug” or “liquid trust”) is released into our bodies, and stays in our female bodies for weeks. Guys release oxytocin during sex too, but it doesn’t last long, as what suppresses oxytocin? Testosterone…. So that’s why that guy didn’t call you; he’s already forgotten your name…
Sex Before Commitment: Does It Hurt Your Chances?
As women we lose a chunk of our dignity when we “cave” to a man’s instinctive desire to have sex, before we feel safe, before the heart and soul say GO. When will a woman feel safe? When she knows that he is sincerely interested in all aspects of her, not just her physical body. When she knows that she has his focused attention and that he is willing to carve her out of the herd and explore intimacy and togetherness just with her, then she feels safe to open herself up to him.
Sex is a bigger deal for women than it is for men. To pretend that this isn’t so is to deny who we are as human beings. A smart and courageous man will be willing to wait for it. Think about it, guys. In your heart of hearts, I know what you really want is to stop dating altogether – You would just love it if your next first date were to be the last first date of your life, as she’ll be the angel who brings joy, togetherness, intimacy, lovemaking and sparkle to your life. The two of you will join hands in a gorgeous partnership and you’ll head off into the sunset to do life together. I know that’s why you’re really dating… so you can stop dating altogether. You’re happiest and the best version of yourself when you’re in love with one beautiful, special woman. I know that to be true about you guys, as I’ve been interviewing single men for over 25 years now.
I know that’s why you’re really dating… so you can stop dating altogether.
Julie Ferman
How Many Dates Before Sex?
Round about Date Number Three, on the average, this matchmaker has learned that this issue will arise for a man and a woman to wrestle over. Here’s what happens. At some level, she knows that it’s too early to ask him for a commitment, and at some level, he knows she needs more from him before going there.
This dating coach sees so many stellar matches fall apart right there, over this very issue. And sadly, often it’s not really even talked about openly between the two – the budding relationship gets awkward, feelings get hurt, one or both feel taken advantage of or misunderstood or not appreciated or seen. Love and hope just shrivel up and die for the two of them. And the matchmaker cries…
What’s happening around Date Number Three? She feels pressure to cave, to hit the bedroom before she’s ready. Or he feels her resistance to head to the bedroom and he’s not ready to forsake all others and make her his life purpose, and so the match dies. Love loses, every time. It makes me cry, especially because as a dating coach and matchmaker, I see this dating breakdown happen so very often. I can find a new prospect for this particular client, but the reality is that the issue will be there with the next one too, and the one after that. It’s because this question (What comes first, sex or commitment?) is at the very heart of the differences between men and women.
How Long Should You Wait? A Matchmaker’s Timeline
So how many dates before sex? There is no magic number, and anyone who hands you one is guessing. What actually predicts success, in my three decades of watching couples form, is whether the exclusivity conversation has happened — out loud, both of you sober and vertical — before the bedroom does. For some couples that’s date five; for others it’s a few months in. Many of my clients use the 3-month rule as a sanity check: give a promising match about three months of consistent time and attention before making the big decisions, and treat the bedroom as one of those big decisions. Sex too soon rarely kills a great match on its own; skipping the conversation is what kills it.
When Commitment Should Come First
A smart and courageous woman will give a man good reasons to be willing to wait, and she’ll give him lots of appreciation for his willingness to wait. She’ll be warm, playful, affectionate and spontaneous, so he gets to have lots of fun along this get-to-know-you journey – a journey that is taking longer, sometimes much longer than he wishes it would. She’ll be generous with her time, happy to meet him half way or in his neck of the woods, rather than expecting him to drive cross town for each date. She’ll be respectful of his financial resources – it’s a HUGE bummer for a guy when faced with the reality that he is continuing to invest his precious, hard earned dough in these early relationships – relationships which most of the time…go nowhere. His financial planner is telling him to STOP doing this. And so lots of men gravitate toward the coffee date.
Think about it, ladies – we want a guy who has plenty of resources, and yet we also have this idea that each man who dates us should be shelling out $50 – $100 per date without a thought. We want our guy to be responsible, right? Well… how long can a guy do this before dating becomes a serious financial drain on him, indeed before it becomes irresponsible for him to keep flushing hundred dollar bills down the toilet? Women can help extend courtship (what I call Pants On Partnership) by being generous and creative, and by being easier to please, less princess-like in the early dating stages. A smart and courageous woman will make dating more FUN and less of a burden for the men she meets. She will be happy to (or at least willing to) save the fine dining adventures for later, and she might look for opportunities to provide some fine dining adventures for him along the way – whipping up something magical for a picnic, for example…
The answer to the question lies uniquely within each couple, and the way to get to the answer is through openhearted, authentic communication. The good news — Speaking your truth gets easier with practice.
It requires discipline and a willingness to negotiate and compromise — on both parts.
Here’s some inspiration for you — Alicia and Rob are hanging in together, while the logistics of their relationship settle in. They’re right around Date Number Seven — she’s managed to hold his interest (big time) and keep her pants on too. And they’re having the most gorgeous love affair. Did Rob want sex right away? Of course he did – and the sweetness, kindness, love and playfulness she brings to his life makes the waiting worthwhile for him. Is it her chicken parmesan sandwich that keeps him coming back? Is it the way she wrestles with his chocolate lab? Is it the sweet, flirtatious text message she sends him on her lunch break? He’s not sure, but … he’s not going anywhere. Love is winning, and this matchmaker is really happy about it.
If this is the part of dating where you keep getting stuck, you don’t have to figure it out alone. The exclusivity conversation — when to have it and how to say it — is exactly what I coach singles through in my personal matchmaking and dating coaching services, and it’s how so many of the couples on my success stories page found each other.
A private hour with Julie to sort out exclusivity, timing, and how to say it — before your next date.
FAQs About Sex and Commitment
How many dates before sex?
There’s no magic number — and anyone who gives you one is guessing. What predicts success isn’t the date count, it’s whether you’ve had the exclusivity conversation first. If you need a rule of thumb: wait until you both agree you’re off the market. That’s when sex builds a relationship instead of confusing it.
Do guys lose interest after sex?
Some do — and painful as that is, it’s information. A man who was only chasing the win disappears once it’s won. A man who’s building something with you doesn’t. You can’t control which one he is, but you can slow the timeline enough to find out before you’re emotionally all-in.
Is it a mistake to have sex before commitment?
It’s not a moral failing — it’s a risk decision. Early sex tends to fast-forward feelings faster than facts. If you’re someone who bonds through intimacy, protect yourself by making sure the commitment conversation happens first. If you’re truly casual about it, be honest with yourself about that too.
What comes first for most couples — sex or commitment?
In three decades of matchmaking, the couples who last are usually the ones who defined the relationship before heading to the bedroom. Men are often ready for sex earlier; women more often want monogamy first. The successful pattern isn’t about who’s right — it’s talking about it out loud.
How do I bring up exclusivity without scaring him off?
Directly, lightly, and before things get physical: “I really like where this is going. Before we go further, I’d love to know if we’re both ready to be exclusive.” A relationship-ready man will be relieved you asked. A man who’s scared off by that question just answered it.
