Dating apps don’t work for most women because they ask you to decide on a photo in half a second, and that’s how men choose, not how most women fall in love. Since 1990 I’ve asked thousands of single men and women the same question: have you ever met someone you weren’t attracted to at first, got to know them, and watched them become adorable? 85% of the women I ask say yes. Fewer than 5% of the men do.
That gap is what I call the attraction conundrum, and a swiping app sits on the wrong side of it. I’m Julie Ferman, a matchmaker and dating coach since 1990. More than 40,000 singles have registered with me, and I’m credited with more than 1,600 couples. Here’s why the apps fail women, how to use one anyway, and when a person who knows you both beats an algorithm.
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Why Dating Apps Fail Women, in One Question
Here’s the honest-to-goodness truth. No matter how selective we might be as women about looks, nothing compares to the way it is for a guy. A man simply has to be attracted, or nothing is going to happen. We call it the boing factor. My sister and I put it this way: we only have a shot with the guy who thinks we’re hot.
Women are wired another way. If she respects him, has fun with him, finds herself laughing with him and feels good around him, he gets better looking. Alison Armstrong, my favorite relationship teacher, named it the Adam Sandler Effect. The first time I saw 50 First Dates, I thought, this is the leading man? He’s not even cute. By the end of the movie, any woman who wouldn’t sail off on that boat with him ought to have her head examined.
I’ve asked it of thousands of single love-seekers since 1990, and it’s the biggest difference I know between how men date and how women date. I explain it in three minutes in my video The Attraction Conundrum.
What I Watched Happen Over Lunch
One of my dating coaching clients, Marcie, pulled out her phone at lunch to show me the guy she’d met on the new app she was trying. She went through the day’s matches at about half a second each. She rolled her eyes at one and grunted “YUK” at another.
One of the men she swiped away was Josh, a business colleague I know really well. Josh is a management consultant with an MBA from Wharton, he’s funny as heck, he’s ready for marriage and kids (what she SAYS she wants), and he’s plenty nice looking. On a scale of one to ten I’d give Josh an 8, and Marcie might score an 8.5. She tossed him in the dumpster like a day-old donut.
Then she showed me the man she’d gone out with the night before. A 9.2 in the looks department, a typical LA gym rat. She couldn’t figure out what he did for a living, she wasn’t sure he even had a car, and he checked out other women at the bar the whole time they were together.
A photo is the one contest where Josh loses to Gym Rat Guy, and the app made it the only contest.
Why Swiping Works Against Women
Dating apps force us to choose from a visual perspective first. Judging the book by its cover works better for men than it does for women, because men are visual creatures and rarely develop attraction over time. We women love the details, and it’s through the details, under the surface, that we learn what a man is really made of. That’s when the seeds of love begin to take root for a woman.
Every man also has his type. I know a man who is only attracted to very slim women, and another who only wants curves. The app serves both of them up to the same woman, which makes it easy for her to pick the one who will never choose her and dismiss the one who could very well be Her Man.
Then the apps pile on. With the swiping and all the visuals and how quickly everybody decides, the same three women get picked all day long, and the same three men, and they’re not the ones best suited for lasting relationships. Eric Resnick, who writes online dating profiles for a living, estimated on my podcast that men swipe right 60 to 70 percent of the time and women around 6 percent. Swipe that hard and you throw out the very men your attraction might have grown for.
Can Attraction Grow Over Time?
For most women, yes, and that’s the whole reason I’d rather you meet a man than grade his photo. A woman’s attraction grows through respect, fun, laughter and how she feels around him, and none of it shows up in a thumbnail. For most men it rarely grows, so his first impression of you is usually his last.
That changes how you should date. If a man is already into you, you have a shot with him, so give him date number two, then date number three, which is where the bonding begins. If nothing has changed by the end of that third date, you have a friend, and a friend is worth keeping. I’ve made the full case for date number three, and how much spark you need to start with is in chemistry vs compatibility.
How to Use a Dating App If You’re a Woman
An app can still work for you if you use it carefully. Here’s what I tell my coaching clients.
- Start with the men who already said yes to you. You have a shot with THAT guy. Look there before you chase the cute boy.
- Swipe slowly. Read the whole profile before the photo gets a vote, and look inside before you toss a man in the trash.
- Err on the side of generosity. A man you’d rate a six on his photo can climb. A man who rates you a six rarely does.
- Watch your filters. Height and age knock good men out before you ever see them. Nicole Middendorf, a financial advisor who did a dating coaching consultation with me, is five foot eight and always wanted the tall guy. She almost didn’t swipe on the man she ended up dating, because he was five foot ten.
- Meet soon, then judge. You’ll learn more in an hour across a table than in a month of messages, and so will he.
Your photos matter on the other side of the swipe, too. Here’s how I want your dating profile pictures to look.
Dating App vs Matchmaker: Who Decides Who You Meet
| Swiping app | App with AI recommendations | Personal matchmaker (me) | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Who picks who you see | You, from photos, in seconds | The app’s algorithm, then you swipe | I do, knowing you both, and then you both say yes |
| What the choice rests on | Photos and a short profile | A profile plus how you use the app | A detailed profile, current photos and a call with me |
| Who checks he’s serious | You | You | I do, before you hear his name |
| Feedback after the date | None | None | I hear from both of you after every date |
| What it costs | Free or a subscription | Free or a subscription | Free to register; personal matchmaking $25,000 to $40,000+, by invitation |
So which works better for serious singles, elite matchmaking or online dating? For a man who decides on looks in seconds, an app is efficient. For a woman whose attraction grows, a matchmaker puts the details in front of her before a photo can rule a man out. I always go to the man first, both of you see photos and a detailed profile before a date is set, and I hear from both of you after every date.
AI is changing what the apps recommend. It hasn’t changed how a woman falls for a man. Carla Swiryn, who runs the pay-per-match service DateSpot, drew the line on my show between algorithmic-only matches and matches with a real human being involved. Evan Marc Katz, the dating coach, went further.
I think it’s fantasy that matchmakers will be put out of business because AI is going to take over.
Evan Marc Katz, on the Cupid’s Coach Podcast
How far people actually trust software with love is in my guide to human matchmakers vs AI recommendations, along with nine other ways to meet someone without swiping.
To receive personal introduction referrals, make sure you’re privately registered with me, with a current profile and current photos. I can’t match you if I can’t find you. From free to VIP, I’m here to help.
FAQs About Dating Apps and Attraction
Why are women so picky on dating apps?
Because the app gives a woman almost nothing to go on except a photo, and for most women attraction comes from what a photo can’t show: how a man treats her, whether he makes her laugh, how she feels around him. Eric Resnick estimated on my podcast that women swipe right about 6 percent of the time, against 60 to 70 percent for men.
Is a matchmaker better than a dating app?
For finding a partner rather than a date, often yes, because a matchmaker introduces you on far more than a photo and both people say yes before anyone meets. It also costs far more: my personal matchmaking is $25,000 to $40,000+, by invitation. The middle ground is free. Register privately with a matchmaker so she can introduce you.
How many dates should I give a man I’m not attracted to yet?
Three, if he’s kind and he’s interested in you. Date three is where the bonding begins, and it’s where a woman’s attraction gets its chance to grow. If nothing has changed by the end of the third date, tell him kindly and keep the friendship.
julieferman.com · Julie@JulieFerman.com · 805-371-9557
